Monthly Archives: February 2016

Ham. Also: I Moved.

Hey, so I live in Philadelphia now! Like, the one in Pennsylvania. Met who is almost undoubtedly the greatest guy in the world, but he lives ten hours away in the frozen tundra. So I quit my job, left my beloved little condo, grabbed my cat and my video games, and moved in with him like the sane and responsible adult that I am.

In freaking Philadelphia. I know! Weird.

So, here’s what’s been going on with me since:

I tried to sign up for a pottery class at the local arts council (which is actually really neat), but there were problems on the website and now the class is full, so . . .fuck those guys. I would have made the best, most lovingly-handcrafted red clay dongs you have ever seen, Arts Council. They would have been magnificent and veiny. You have only yourselves to blame!

Read this, though. I keep coming back to it every few days and laughing my head off. Things just go wacko with the machines in space, you guys. It makes a lot of sense.

I’m still bitter about not getting the tummy tuck in May because of my stupid kidney stone. Like, I lost all this goddamn weight, I should get to look hot naked, you know? So bitter. Bitter and entitled. I guess Syrians probably aren’t worrying about what they look like naked.

I’ve discovered a new love: espresso. I used to hate coffee, because I would legitimately get mad that it did not taste like it smelled. It turns out it never tasted like it smelled because of all the dang water in it! If you just make straight-up bean juice, then it tastes like it smells.

I made country ham and red-eye gravy (and biscuits, obviously) for my boyfriend, because he’d never had it. I was so surprised to find out that’s not a thing up here! Yeah, it’s called “country ham,” but I thought it was just a moniker, not an actual regional indicator. I had to order it because it’s not sold anywhere up here. I was quite pleased with how well it turned out, and it was the most southern I’ve ever felt in my entire life, other than the time I fashioned my own fiddle from a warshboard and three coonskin hats.

Anyway, since most of you are from outside Appalachia, I figure I’ll go ahead and explain country ham and red-eye gravy, too. Country ham is like. . .really, really thick prosciutto, maybe? That’s the best way I came up with to describe it when I was trying to tell boyfriend about it. It’s ham, but it’s cured and salted. You fry it with a little bit of coffee and a very tiny bit of brown sugar to cut the salt. Most people use a lot more brown sugar, or just skip both the brown sugar and coffee and pour a can of coke in there. That shit is way too sweet for me and I think people are insane. Most people think I’m insane for not liking sugar in my damn entrees, but sugar belongs in DESSERT and basically everyone else is wrong and I am right.

So after the ham cooks, you pour MORE coffee in the skillet and some butter to make red-eye gravy with the grease from the ham. It’s better than it sounds. I promise. I PROMISE. Unless you are a vegetarian, which some of my readers are, and you guys are probably retching right now and I am very sorry and I love you, but I also love red-eye gravy. Real red-eye gravy is just the drippings from the bacon and coffee, but butter makes it much smoother. It is evolved red-eye gravy. You can also put cream in there and turn it into a pretty bitchin’ smoky pasta sauce.

Yes, you will die if you eat like this on a regular basis.

I was most pleased with the biscuits. I’ve never had biscuits turn out right because I am many things: a gamer, an artist, a cubicle jockey, a hottie, a crazy person, but I am hardly a baker. I’ve been baking a whole bunch of shit up here though. Shortbread cookies, mostly. And now biscuits. I don’t really like biscuits, but I figured if I was going to make country ham for my yankee boyfriend, that he should have the whole experience. And he did. And I think he was bemused and a bit frightened by the whole thing. I also don’t think country ham was his thing, which is okay because it’s not really my thing either, but I really like red-eye gravy and there’s not much else you can eat with it besides country ham. The country ham is mostly a vehicle for the red-eye gravy.


So, yeah. Ham. That’s what’s going on with me lately.